billybobmcassen (billybobmcassen) wrote in assecology,
billybobmcassen
billybobmcassen
assecology

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Choosing the right pocket for you!

Choosing the right kind of pants is always a challenge. However, most people are content with a fit and style that works for them, and thus neglect a very important feature: Pockets, or lack thereof.
Now, not all pockets are made equal. Choosing the pocket that fits your ass is like choosing the shoe for your foot. Everybody is different, so no one pair of pants will work for every ass. That said, there are some general rules.
1. If unsure of what to choose, go without a pocket on the ass. If this is impossible, a less noticeable pocket is also a good way to go.
2. Pockets that are placed high on the ass only enhance certain types of asses. Try to avoid if you haven't been able to consult with a licensed assecologist.
3. Widely spaced pockets tend to make the ass appear wider. Therefore, if you are concerned about having a large ass, stay away. If you are small back there, give this a try.
4. Pockets that are lower on the ass tend to make the ass look droopy. Again, this is good if you have a high bubble butt and want to detract notice.
5. Be careful about the placement of writing on a pocket. If on only on one pocket, appearance could be lopsided. A higher or lower writing could have the opposite effect on the ass, focusing attention on one part or the other.
6. Large-ish middle pockets, centered on your butt-cheeks but covering most of them, are also generally a safe choice. This is an old standard, and has graced many a magazine cover.
7. For the love of Bob Almighty (or insert other appropriate deity), do not put your wallet (or anyone else's, for that matter) in your back pocket! Regardless of assecological shape or size, a single giant bulge does not look good! This extends to tobacco cases and keys and ANYTHING ELSE. Just leave the ass alone. There are people trying to enjoy it out there!
8. Make sure that you "check out" the back of a pair of pants before buying them. While wearing them. The mirrors are there for a reason. It is also a good idea to consult a friend if a licensed assecologist is not present. While all stores should have a licensed assecologist on hand, this is not always possible.
9. Despite the fact that they don't usually have pockets, sweats are not a good choice. Some tighter running pants are acceptable, but it's not worth the risk. You shouldn't be wearing them outside anyway. Lettering, especially words that are split onto either side of the ass, do draw attention to the ass. However, this is not favourable. One cannot stop staring at the letters, but no attention is payed to the ass itself, not to mention the often demeaning messages contained on these pants.
10. A single pocket is not a good compromise. Lopsidedness issues may occur (if you are lopsided, you may want to look into one pocket).

And, most importantly, remember: If you make a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Sometimes even professionals have trouble judging the assecological impact of something as small as a pocket on their own ass.
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